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Frozen in the Center of its Cold and Slowly Dying Love

by David Lindstrom

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1.
all those holes in your head that let you out all those limbs that branch out and walk around all the air flowing through your teeth and mouth blood burrows through your heart as it pounds and pounds but how do you know where your body ends when you’re up to your neck in the softest sand how do you know it’s not what you’ve conceived when your eyes are made to see the seeds your mind will plant to furnish your beliefs does that seed in your head keep you awake or your broken arms all that dead weight today your skin is hot and it loves to shout but it’s locked it will never let you out the skin from my hands will collapse and feed the sand the golden earth the emerald grass will be my second birth the blood from my veins will pour out and create stains across the ground bending air into a joyous sound all our sand will separate and fill up all the empty space all our blood will evaporate and mend all of the cracks we’ve made
2.
my ivory horn that never sleeps it guides my eyes through mud and weeds to waters deep for me to steep in sounding pleasures endlessly but I keep tabs on myself while I want nothing much else I’m not made of stone just skin and bone strung up to nerves I can’t control that move the earth for all I know that plant the seeds and make them grow but I have to live with that self while I might want something else though in this moment I’ve found peace a different place a different pace to the way I breathe in this moment I’ve found peace a different pace a different place for my mind to be how come every time I hold a mirror up to the face of reason it cramps up and folds to its own reflection is reason’s only function to replace the face of god is my mind wired to such dogmas as my nerves are to my mind there is so much sensory construction between subjects that I find it hard to believe in anything so sure god is dead but there’s a new one in my head and you cant escape what relies on lack of faith am I drunk or is this peace/ is this peace or am I just asleep
3.
the flag I’ve worn as clothes since birth melts into my back as it burns and it wont ash away no forever it stays casting shadows that blanket the earth and the words I’ve spit from my mouth since birth shape all of the laws that I’ve learned and the thoughts that they make are shallow and fake and conceded and devoid of all worth but its all the same to me because I was born inside of an oil drum and I’m frozen and numb and debased and I can’t lift my arms to break free of the tar and its poisonous dark black embrace but it’s all the same to me it’s just the price of being free something I choose not to see what do you want me to say what do you want me to do for you some things they don’t change some stones they never move what do you expect me to say when most days I can barely even move I can’t believe that I don’t change I can’t believe I have so little to prove I can’t believe that it’s all the same to me
4.
Dan was my friend we’d smoke pot down in the dock’s parking lot talking about sophomoric stuff escaping ourselves with mental fluff what’s that you say Dan your dad got sick with stage four intrusive bladder cancer? there’s a silent brake while we exhale it’s obvious we don’t know what to say but as we lost ourselves in chemicals to cope your dad was getting tested and finding new hope in the teachings of Jesus his friends and the Church things that you and I knew were naïve ways of feeling less hurt then there was that day when all of your extended family came over and everyone was crying and praying when you went and sat down by your dad on the couch you reached out to touch his arm and realized he wasn’t just asleep at the funeral I cracked jokes about god prayer and death notes starring at his thin stiff raisin corpse looking like something not himself oh my dear Dan why couldn’t I muster up any more hope for you that day the oppressive pessimism I carried weighs on me to this day then I lost my patience when you lost your cool expelling shots in the kitchen with a face full of drool then we moved apart and you lived in your car since then I haven’t seen you in years I hear you’re working at a gas station near here so what’s the point of being right my god this was someone’s life what’s the point of finding truth if it leaves you frozen isolated and aloof Dan was my friend but now he is not lately I’ve been thinking about that a lot I’d like to think it was a righteous cause another second gone a moment lost an abstract of life’s entire plot
5.
I’m frozen in the center of its cold and slowly dying love with all I’ve ever wanted to be true
6.
have I lost it?/ fingers point through paragraphs but pages stick and words collapse while practicing my autograph vanity’s indulgent task steeping in an oil bath I marinade in golden ash with dry ice on the naked back frozen smoke to wedge the cracks fingers dipped in oil bath pages stick to golden ash dry ice for an autograph frozen smoke indulged steeping in these paragraphs I marinade in words collapsed it’s better for the naked back if vanity should wedge the cracks I had a dream where all my fingers fell off and my hands were worthless stumps then all of my blood spilt out of the wound and I was four times as sober as I’ve ever been I saw that each man is a slave to his own sense of loneliness and that freedom from this context is both the carrot dangling in front of him and the blinders to his eyes as he follows trails of capital and romance towards deep seeded apathy I can relate I can relate to that
7.
I was asleep and my skin it stuck to the sheets it was ninety degrees and I was taking 2 am showers of sleet my eyes couldn’t see and my lungs had no room to breathe aren’t you tired too? will you not give relief? I was bathing in the heat of that July with no ac and my hot skin could not breathe and my mind could find no relief I kept thinking peace will come and admittedly I found some the cool air of a morning sun just enough to keep me undone I never felt as high as I did in the water that night the image made me cry heads floating on a reflection of the sky I felt no weight no ties to the ground no restraints I was fully immersed my skin melted into the earth I was bathing in a sea of the chemicals in me is this what I should call peace? transcendence beyond all belief still it was hard to sleep or was it hard to keep myself awake? I was under my sheets but I was exposed to the loss of memory that now feels like a dream (the past relived in shades of grey) the hunger remains so what’s the difference anyway And I take this to mean that I’m only a machine I do only what I please and my pleasure never stays the point is that peace will come and that will never be enough
8.
(instrumental)
9.
the light it came in droves to surround me a shapeless golden hand now forming to lift me out from my skin destroying all that I have been or ever will be my consciousness collapsed unto itself my memories fell apart now cleansed of my existence my bitter human heart I’ll fall if I must beneath the settling dust

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released March 30, 2015

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David Lindstrom St Cloud, Minnesota

David Lindstrom, described as "captivating, haunting, abstract and perplexing" (Nanobot Rock), is an eclectic band from central Minnesota. Their music spans from intricately finger picked folk rock to dark ambient soundscapes resulting in songs that are "rhythmically complex and creatively engaging" (Divide and Conquer). ... more

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